The Police and a Gun

 

(It was an exciting night.)

Yesterday, my mom cooked me a huge T-bone steak. It tasted wonderful. I dipped the meat into A-1 sauce before gulping it down like a hungry heron. Yet I was still afraid that it might make me shit like a goose. I hate using public restrooms. It’s a real phobia with me.

Nurse Ken sat by my side at the kitchen counter. He kept badmouthing the Jews as I stuffed my face. My eldest son is an angry Asian white supremacist. Yes, the hits just keep coming. It’s great to be me.

I said, “Son, how many Jews have you actually met in your life?”

“None. But my friends say that they control all the banks.”

I shrugged my shoulders. “So what if they do? Somebody’s got to control them. Why not the Jews?”

“That gives them too much power.”

“Ken, we live in a world where the white men make the rules. What’s the old saying your dead grandfather used to quote all the time? ‘Black is beautiful. And tan is grand. But white is the color of the big boss man.’ Trust me. Bibi follows orders that come straight from the Washington D.C. He’s certainly not a wildcard.”

“You’re so full of shit.”

I plopped a big piece of steak into my mouth and chewed vigorously. “And let me tell you something else. If my car ever breaks down, I hope the person walking toward me looks a little more like Jerry Seinfeld and a little less like Denzel Washington. The Jews haven’t done a damn thing to me. And that’s all I have to say about the matter.”

I got to work at 9 p.m., and I had to hustle my butt to the bone. Why? Pork-Chop Jane has a new boyfriend, and she spent most of her shift outside in his car. He’s a homeless guy in his twenties who lives in his beater. I shit you not. Jane sure can pick them.

Around two in the morning, a couple of guys and their girlfriends sat in my section. They seemed very joyous. They kept telling me that I was the best waiter in the entire state of Texas. So naturally I was expecting a huge tip.

But fifteen minutes later, three cops entered the premises. I thought they were just coming to eat. Therefore, I waved and gave them a huge Waffle-House welcome. Yet they walked right past me to the corner booth with the happy customers.

One of the cops said, “Which one of you has a gun?”

“None of us, sir.”

“Stop giving me bullshit.”

Then the taller of the two started moving his hand toward his front pocket. That’s when the officer went apeshit.

He grabbed the man by his arms and slapped the cuffs on him. “Are you fucking stupid, son? That’s the worse thing you could do in a situation like this.”

The cop then fished a handgun from the perp’s waistband.

This immediately prompted another officer descended upon the booth and cuff the other guy.

“Why the fuck are you arresting me? I didn’t do anything.”

“You’re not being arrested. You’re being detained.”

Anyway, the gentlemen were led out into the parking lot and questioned for a good thirty minutes. But I guess they passed muster because they were eventually released. And let me tell you motherfuckers something. They stiffed me on fifty dollars’ worth of food. The fucking bastards.

Be that as it may, I still did pretty well. I made $260 for the entire ten-hour shift.