Government Cheese

 

(I'm a useless eater who deserves to die.)

Yesterday, I cleaned the bathroom for the first time in two weeks. It was a hell of a job. The place was covered with pubic hair, shit stains, and dried urine. But don’t blame your humble narrator. My stepfather is 86 years old, and his aim isn’t what it used to be.

I find that I’m often exhausted. I have no idea why. Sure. Working overnights at the Waffle House isn’t the easiest job in the world. But it’s not like I’m trying to split the atom. I just hope that I don’t have cancer.

At 2 p.m., I drove Rice-Boy Larry to the Department of Health in order to get his booster shots. Mom came with us.

The girl at the counter was an attractive Hispanic woman. She had dark eyes, small tits, and a nice little ass.

She said, “Are you Larry’s father?”

“Yes.”

“Does he have any health insurance?”

I nodded. “He’s on Medicaid.”

So she made a copy of his card and told us to have a seat.

Medicaid has become a huge issue in America. In fact, Orange Donald is trying to trim the program by billions of dollars. But I can simply give you my perspective on the issue. I work fulltime at the Waffle House as a waiter, so I’m pretty much tits-up broke. And yet I don’t qualify for healthcare. Therefore, imagine how broke you have to be to actually get the benefits.

I’m just hoping that I can make it to sixty-five without any major illnesses. That’s when Medicare kicks in. Sadly, I’m a useless eater and considered worthy of death by many of my fellow countrymen. But they can all kiss my ass. I simply want to enjoy my remaining years before I’m reduced to ashes by the local mortician and living in a coffee can next to the pancake mix.

Anyway, we got called into the nurse’s office after an hour of sitting on our asses. She was a middle-aged woman with many tattoos. Everyone in America seems to be inked these days.

She said, “Larry is getting his chickenpox vaccine. But I can also give him his shots for meningitis if you want me to.”

I said, “Are they necessary to get into an American high school?”

“Chickenpox is, but meningitis is optional. However, many universities require it.”

Larry said, “Let’s go ahead and do it.”

I shrugged my shoulders. “It’s your body.”

After giving my boy his jabs, the nurse told us to wait in the lobby for a minimum of ten minutes in case he went into convulsions. And that’s exactly what we did. Why tempt fate, right? Luckily, Larry handled the medicine like a champ.

When we were driving home, I delivered a joyous announcement to my family. “Mom and Larry, I have great new. I’m going to take you losers to a Chinese buffet on my tip money. How does that sound?”

Mom said, “Wonderful! But I don’t know why you have to call us a couple of losers.”

I laughed and laughed.

The meal was pretty good. I munched on eggrolls and sweet-and-sour chicken while Mom and Larry feasted on the shrimp and vegetables. The bill came to sixty dollars. It seemed kind of high to me. That’s why I usually eat at home.