Another Day

 

(Drunk Dmitri gets free food.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 11 a.m. because the goddamn dogs were barking. My mom owns two Schnauzers who go fucking crazy if a leaf blows in the wind. One of them is named Julius. He always growls at me as if he wants to bite off my testicles.

Anyway, Mom was in the laundry room stuffing clothes into the dryer.

I said, “What are you doing?”

“Nurse Ken’s laundry. He usually brings it down once every couple of weeks.”

“Once every couple of weeks? Can’t he do it himself?”

“I don’t mind. He works so hard to make a buck.”

My oldest son has a job delivering the mail. But he’s not an official mailman. Instead, he works for a private contractor and makes about 25 dollars an hour. Yet it’s only a parttime job, and he’s usually home by 2 p.m. He graduates from college in May, and he’s thinking about becoming an air-traffic controller.

Rice-Boy Larry was in the computer room.

I said, “I’m off to cut your grandmother’s lawn even though I have a ten-hour shift tonight.”

He nodded. “OK. Have fun.”

I sighed heavily. “You’re supposed to feel guilty and offer to help me out.”

“I’m studying for the SAT, but I’ll do it if you can wait an hour.”

In the end, I decided to cut it myself. I need as much exercise as possible. I’ve managed to lose sixty pounds in the last few years, and I don’t want all that flab to come back like a raging river. I used to be so fat that I had to rock back and forth to get off the sofa. Weight loss is one of the reasons that I took up smoking again.

When Nurse Ken got home, I decided to yell at him.

I said, “Son, I’m ashamed.”

“Why?”

“You’re twenty-four fucking years old, and you still make your poor old granny do your laundry. She’s almost seventy-eight, for the sake of Christ.”

“She doesn’t mind.”

“That’s not the point. Don’t you have any pride? Are you mentally retarded or something. Should you be placed in a facility? The world is filled with nice people who can help out dullards such as yourself.”

“I wouldn’t say that I’m retarded. I’m more of an autistic genius. Me and Elon Musk have a lot in common.”

“No more jokes. Just do your own fucking laundry.”

But he’s not going to listen to me. Nobody ever does. My words are severely lacking in gravitas. Always have been. In fact, most people laugh at me even when I’m trying to be serious.

I got to the Waffle House at 9 p.m. and worked with a girl named Jane. She’s only 24 years old, and she has an extremely pretty face. However, Jane is a real pork chop. Sadly, she didn’t do any work. Instead, she spent most of her shift sitting at the counter while stuffing her face with free hash browns.

A guy came in around 1 a.m. who was so drunk that he could barely stand. His name is Dmitri, and he had a difficult time speaking English. I think he’s from Russia.

Dmitri ordered a shitload of food, but none of his credit cards worked. So all his vittles were on the house.

The Nigerian cook yelled at him. “Why you come here every night so drunk? You not care for you health?”

Dmitri smiled and walked out the door.

It was a slow night, and I only made $180. Oh well. What’s a boy to do?

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