Daphne Diamond

 

(I'm going to have to hustle.)

I woke up this morning at 6 a.m. and checked my bank account. My previous employer still hasn’t sent me the $10,000 that they owe me.

I lifted both my fists in the air and screamed, “Fuck!”

My mother walked into the living room. “What’s the problem?”

“Those sons-of-bitches still haven’t sent the money.”

“Just be patient. It will come.”

I sighed heavily. “Patience has never been one of my strengths. I guess I’ll have to work on it.”

Anyway, I couldn’t use Mom’s car today because she had to take her husband to the doctor’s office. So the poor old lady dropped me off at work at 8 a.m. It’s not a huge deal. The Waffle House is only five or ten minutes up the road.

I was pretty excited because it was my first day on the floor. Marsha the manager called me into her office for a brief chat.

“You’re working with Daphne today. It’s actually a huge honor. She ranked as one of the top five hundred Waffle-House waitresses in the entire world. She’s served more than 30,000 customers during her long and illustrious career.”

It turns out that Daphne is a woman in her late sixties with the ass the size of Maine and a constant look of disgust on her wrinkled face. She spent the entire morning yelling at me about my rate of speed. I washed the dishes too slowly. I filled up the salt and pepper shakers like a worthless hobo. I didn’t restock the napkin dispensers quickly enough. The list of my shortcomings went on and on.

With that said, I had a wonderful time. At least I wasn’t teaching. I’m just sick and tired of being around teenagers all the time, and the change of pace was refreshing.

But I have to say this about Daphne Diamond. For an old lady, she sure can hustle. She sold nearly $1,000 worth of food during her shift and made $150 in tips. When you throw in her salary, the total comes to $230. And this energetic granny deserved every penny. I couldn’t keep up with her.

And one more thing. I have to throw out some love to Marsha, too. Even though she’s the manager, she pretty much does everything. Cooks. Cleans. Handles the paperwork. Makes the schedules. I’m really impressed by her work ethic.

Waffle House during the mornings is insane. The list of tasks never seems to end. So there’s really not enough time for pleasant small talk.

The crowd started tapering off about noon, and the cook began listening to music on the Waffle-House jukebox. Even though he’s a young guy, he really seems to enjoy the Beatles. I’ve always been more of a Pink Floyd guy. But to each their own, right?

Nurse Ken picked me up at 2 p.m. in his Lexus. Rice-Boy Larry was sitting in the front seat.

Ken said, “How are those vapes working out for you?”

I nodded. “Fine. I didn’t smoke a cigarette during the entire shift.”

“Maybe you should quit the cigs entirely. You’ve got a lot to live for.”

“I’ll think about it.”

Tonight, I’m going to church with Rice-Boy Larry. There’s an evening service on Wednesdays which might fit into my upcoming night-bird lifestyle.

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